i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
