she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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