yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
