Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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