my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i think my cat just said my name.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
