you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
