I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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