Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
