The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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