we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
