The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
