Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
