i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
