so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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