did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
