I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
