I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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