i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
