Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
