Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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