Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
