just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
