I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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