Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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