Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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