fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Terrible idea I love it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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