and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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