There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
