Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
What a dumb baby whore.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
