we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
