Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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