You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
