burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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