just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
