Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
