I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
