It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
