Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
