Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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