Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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