I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
me + whiskey = a bad person
You were trust falling into bushes
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