he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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