I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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