The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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