I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
