Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
