I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
