he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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