Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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