i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
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I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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