I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think I won the penis lottery.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
