Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
