I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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