I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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