im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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