I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
