i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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