Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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