How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
