Tell her she can't have a vagina
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
