Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
