his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
